Sunday, July 12, 2009
What am I even talking about?
What AM I talking about? What is everyone talking about? Each other. Striving to gossip as much as possible until one person breaks another person to the core. I feel like I gossiped about myself in one of my posts. The one where I attempted to describe myself in a short list of one word qualities. The word gossip sounds so bubbly and meaningless but that one little word packs a huge kick in the ass. I have no idea who I am or who I want to be so what right to I have trying to describe myself? It is like trying to teach an animal how to talk. Until I am successful at finding my inner self and turning it inside out to show it to the world I have no intention of telling random strangers what I am about. Because I am sure through my posts any person who has a decent judge of character can make a basic analysis. Although I could be BSing this whole blog (not likely).
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I may have misunderstood, but I thought you hoped that writing this blog would help you to discover who you are - rather than that you couldn't discuss who you "are" here until you "know" who that is. I don't think that you were "gossiping" about yourself in your "next question" post, just that you were listing bullet points which describe you superficially. I do realize that gossip can be a superficial description of someone, but not all superficial description is gossip. In your case, I thought it was more a framework of surface factors that you could examine and analyze, and expand upon to build a three-dimensional person.
ReplyDeleteThe problem is that you stopped at the surface and, I believe, you were afraid to reveal anything deeper. For example: "spanish learner"... What does that say about you? How do you learn Spanish? Why? How do you feel about it? Even that simple characteristic can say so much more about who you are and what you want to be - if you are willing to uncover what is beneath it.
I honestly believe that, if you want to succeed with this blog and with your self-exploration, you need to be BOLD. Not fearless - in fact, expect to be scared shitless. In my opinion and experience, one really needs to face the terror of self-revelation and push through it to gain insight into one's self. You have flirted with that revelation in some of your posts, but always pulled back or deflected the focus rather than divulge too much.
This is what I meant when I encouraged you to "talk hard" in one of my earlier comments. If you don't understand what I mean, try reading Neil's blog again. He talks hard.
At one point in my life, I would hesitate before answering if someone asked me my birthday, or what I had had for dinner. I was sure I would say the "wrong" thing, and cause them to dislike me. I forced myself to face those fears. Later, I was encouraging a friend to open up to someone he cared about, and tell her what he was thinking/ feeling in a certain situation. He responded, "I can't do that - these things are so easy for you that you don't understand why it is so hard for others." That comment made me SO angry! It is NOT easy for me to reveal myself to others. It is JUST as hard for me. The difference between him and me is that I "just do it" despite being nearly sick to my stomach with anxiety. It may be easy for some people, but I suspect that is not common. I am sorry to tell you, though, that I really don't think there is a less scary way to "become" your true self.
Who Am I?
Adoptive Parent and Stepparent - I love my daughter to death, but I am still sad that I never experienced pregnancy and delivery
Adult Orphan and Stepchild - miss my parents terribly, but am a little bit grateful that I'll never have to deal with their physical and mental decline
Roman Catholic - in my own opinion, despite the fact that I disagree with a LOT of Church teaching
Flaming liberal and fervent feminist - but very much against abortion
Believer that all national/ethnic pride (except for USA) is bigotry, prettied up
Straight - but have "experimented" a lot and have very fluid concepts of sexuality and "gender" identity
Lover of all humanity
Totally against the death penalty - but willing to make one exception because I feel jealous people add nothing but misery to the world
Language snob (in the one language that I know)
Sarcastic to a fault - although I often hurt people I love, I am not willing to temper my sarcasm
Intelligent - not a "genius" (I know many), but comfortably smarter that the average bear, and that's just a fact
Not bad looking, but very overweight -- I HATE this about myself, but I also know I will not do anything to change it
Oh, and insecure, just like everyone else is, but...
Like myself, a LOT
tricia i have to say once again your comments are extremely helpful you are so right I need to look at my characteristics and find out what they mean spanish learner i am in high school i find it difficult but i can briefly communicate with my gardeners :) neil does write hard and his posts make me laugh I want that ability although i am not sure i can convey that in this blog
ReplyDelete